dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
