dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
