I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
