trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
