she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
