Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Randomize
