I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
