so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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