I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I fill condoms, not promises.
50% drunk capacity currently
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
