I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
