and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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