oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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