Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
