Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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