oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
