there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
