she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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