Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
