I want you more than these girls want KFC
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
