It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
