6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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