Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
