Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
