it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
