She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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