Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
