I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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