Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
