I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
