this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
