can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
