CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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