i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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