I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
