How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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