i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
