i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
