our cab driver is having phone sex.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
