i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
