he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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