Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
