I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
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