I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Your cock deserves a montage
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
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