Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
