you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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