wanna go halves on a baby?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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