I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
