He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
