I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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