Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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